This was written by me a little while back. It's not very good, but I'll let you be the judge of that. I didn't want to edit it at all, so that it would be an original, you know, so I left it alone.
The Mystery of the Imploding Ship
“Breaking News!” exclaimed the News reporter “An unidentified ship was seen to explode quite unexpectedly in the northern seas! Bert Snidel, a local fisherman, saw the whole thing happen and, somehow managed to be filming at the time”
“Well I was just standing over there watching ‘n’ filmin’ the sea, ‘n’ then this ‘uge ship come to view. I wos wotchin’ it fer a while ‘n’ then su’enly it just explodes!” said the fisherman.
“And this is the clip filmed of the explosion:”
The waves went up, and then came thrashing down. Visible in the distance is a ship, but slowly, as it comes closer, it turns out to be huge. As the ship begins to turn, some of the faded letters are visible: S.S. E ni . Then, as suddenly as it began, the ship explodes from the inside. No sound was heard due to the fact that the ship was so far away. It seems impossible that anything could have destroyed this huge ship.
The S.S. Ernie finally came to land on the island known as Kamorja Island. The anchor falls heavily and lands in the sand with a thump.
“’Bout ruddy time too!” exclaimed an annoyed man, who was wearing a worn sailor suit.
“At last! Away from that blasted boat!” roared another.
“Yeah, yeah, settle down you folks. Zori, go and get us lads some rum will ya!” requested the leader of the group.
“Yes Cap’n.” replied the man named Zori royally. He ran inside the ship and went to the lowest deck, and into the rum cabin. It’s gonna be a late night tonight, he thought happily. He came back to the beach, where the men had set up lots of camp chairs and were exchanging stories to one another over a fire.
“I can’ believe we got away with takin’ this beaut” said the captain, indicating the huge tanker, “practically no security, although I do feel for those guys where guarding the ship. Gave ‘em a bit of a rough time, didn’ ya Doug?” he said, roaring with laughter.
The big man called Doug smirked. “Last mistake they ever made, messin’ with me!”
“Tonight we celebrate!” Roared the captain “tomorrow we mine!”
And with that, they started to celebrate. Through the night, 3 men fell asleep due to drunkenness, 2 got knocked out fighting other drunk ones, and one was smoking three cigarettes at once. This man was commonly known as Cuffs.
In the first day of searching for oil, they discovered some natives. They forced the natives to do their bidding with their pistols. There was a battle where resisting natives tried to wipe out the attackers using spears and stones, though they had no chance against modern technology, and the resisting natives were all killed. They took a few men with them, though, including the second-in-command, Zori.
They later discovered that the natives had a type of oil factory. It turned out that oil was the natives trade. They forced natives to show them were the main oil supply was and forced them to load the oil onto the ship. After enough oil was gathered for them, they set off. Days and days of celebration followed on the ship. On one night, a man was so drunk he shot the captain overboard because the captain had called him a pitifully weak islander. He was thrown overboard under orders of the new captain, Doug. The celebrating went on, but not as much rum was taken into account.
At another point a group of men decided they wanted all the glory and gold, and they tried to overrun the ship. Drunk, of course. All were shot dead (they were hideously outnumbered) and chucked off the ship. Many men were lost for stupid reasons. A few of the native slaves, for instance, tried to escape on the escape boats, and were shot at. The stupid part was, one man shoved another overboard trying to get a shot at the boat. One bullet punctured a hole in the bottom and the natives drowned. So as you can see they weren’t the brightest bunch of bandits.
Once they got sick of celebration, they went back to their old habits. Many fights in the pub, lots of smoking cigarettes, and lots of dagger throwing at the walls.
Now second-in-command Cuffs went to inspect the oil. The ship was full to the brim of the stuff. He finished the inspection and carelessly threw his cigar backwards.
“OH DAMN” He roared as the cigarette landed in a tank of oil.
BOOM! BANG! The S.S. Ernie exploded with amazing fury, not one part of the ship still intact. The sound was deafening, well would have been, if all the crew weren’t dead already. And in the distance was the faraway village of Caracnar, and on its beach a man wearing a fisherman’s hat and next to him a camera on a tripod.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, so I like the idea; a group of bandits hijack a boat, but they're so stupid that they end up being their own death. Good idea, but your writing style is not my cup of tea. Everyone write's differently, and everyone readys differently, and I like the read with more description. Here you have a story that fits on one page, when you could expand it so far that it fits on five! You should!
You skim over the details; here:
You tell us that the men don't like the boat. You tell us he was a sailor, and you tell us that he was annoyed. We don't need to see the word 'annoyed' there, because it's all explained in the dialogue. When you your lovely granmother, who is looking forward to your visit, say 'about ruddy time!'? She wouldn't, exactly. You should also tell us the character's name, so we can tell who he is for future referance; right now he could be anyone!
Here's how I would re-write that part:
There was a knocking as the captian made his way towards the lifeboats. Knock, thump, knock, thump, knock, thump. "'Bout ruddy time we dropped anchor, the ol' boat's nearly had it!" He turned around and addressed a small, slightly scrawny member of his crew. "Not to mention me 'ead! Zori, go and get us some rum, eh?"
His laughing voice bellowed through the ship, but all of the crew were allredy there. four men were unhooking two wooden lifeboats, which they would use to get to shore.
Alright, so I've completely changed it, and I guess it's not what you wanted on paper because if it was, then you would have put it there. What I mean is, I've put in something that distinguashes the captian from the rest of the crew - his wooden leg - and I've explained how they're getting to the island - the lifeboats.
As you progress through your story, you do it very fast. Stop and imagine what it's like to be at the scene, the smell of gunpowder in the air, the quivering of the natives' lips as they look into the captins eyes. What di the crew members say as they start to go mad, and howcome they're waltzing into a foggy beach without anyone thinking about what to do with the ship - they did steal it, didn't they?
So basically, what U'm saying is make us feel like we're at the scene - imagine yourself there and tell us what you see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Then we'll feel like we're reading a story, not like... sorry to tell you this, a newspaper article.
Sorry if I was harsh, but feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and I'll be glad to help!
Your writing is good. Very alive. Very entertaining.
But. (you knew that was coming didn't you?)
It needs more description. It was all rushed. You introduced characters so fast I got dizzy. Who's the main character? If he/she is not currently here than at least tell us who the important guy is. We readers need someone to focus on.
Don't be discouraged. Your writing has a unique life to it. Find a balance and I know your stories will be even better!
~Crazy
Don't be so hard on yourself, it is a good story I enjoyed it. The strength of it is in your understanding of dialogue, and that really brings the story out in the beginning.
However it could do with work in the middle, more explanation and general expansion on some of the events would help to lift it. Dont change the end much though i loved it works so well.
Keep Writing
Titch x